I sat on the sofa, viewing the wintery atmosphere overtaking the skies. I held the hand of my beloved Ossian, squeezing it, letting him wrap his available arm around me. The fireplace was running in front of us, some of the embers flickering in the air. The snowfall outside our house caused a lot of the trees to be gently swayed by the power of the howling wind.
To say the past few days had been draining would be an understatement. I didn’t think I’d been this tired in my life.
I felt as though the fear that was present yesterday being lifted made that tiredness even stronger. I didn’t have any obligations. I didn’t have anything I had to do. I could just sit in the arms of my boyfriend.
It’s what I’d wanted for a long time. With a sigh, I slumped further into Ossian’s embrace as he gently kissed my forehead.
“Come on, Jabari,” he chuckled quietly. “We can’t just stay here forever.”
I gave him a playful glare. “Are you saying you’d find the idea of cuddling your boyfriend for the entire day boring?”
“No, no, of course not,” Ossian replied, still smiling. “Just… it’s snowing. It’s peaceful. It hasn’t been for a while.” He interlaced his fingers with mine. “Don’t you want to play in the snow or something?”
I laughed. “Play in the snow?”
“Well what else would we be doing?”
“Being respectable teenagers who don’t indulge such childish urges,” I answered, the sheer abundance of my contentedness only growing exponentially as we continued conversing. Being around Ossian and uncontainable, physical joy were basically synonymous with each other.
Ossian laughed. “Please. Since when have we been respectable teenagers?”
“We can start now.”
I wasn’t exactly putting much effort into hiding what was really going on. And Ossian… well, he knew me well, to say the least.
“What’s the matter? You always want to go out whenever there’s snow.”
“Nothing,” I answered quickly. Perhaps the rapid response made it even less convincing.
“Talk to me,” Ossian urged.
I looked out of the window, seeing the soft snow descend gently down. It was probably incredibly deep on the ground at this point. Inhaling sharply, I said quietly, “Afraid.” I looked at Ossian, who smiled gently. “It’s been… chaotic.” I shrugged. “Just… I guess…” Ossian squeezed my hand. “Nervous… a-about what’ll happen if I go outside.” I sighed. “It’s stupid, I-I know, I just…”
“It’s not stupid,” Ossian assured me. “Look, I get it. But there isn’t anything dangerous out there. Well, except frostbite, I guess. But we’ll just wear a bunch of jackets and be safe out there.”
I didn’t move. I wanted, really badly, to just say yes. But the muscles that inhabited my arms and legs (and vocal chords) would not let me.
Ossian seemed to understand right away because he simply walked over to the door and put on a jacket. “I’ll check, then,” he told me. “Make sure it’s safe.” He grinned. “Absolutely nothing gets past me.”
Smiling, I nodded at his suggestion, and he walked outside. He shut the door behind him.
Instantly my heart rate accelerated and my eyes immediately wandered to the window. After I couldn’t detect the figure of my beloved, feeding into a state of panic I had all of a sudden placed myself in.
And the thoughts. The thought that started entering my mind--
It sent me such a horrible mental image that my legs reacted completely on their own. I threw myself at the door to our cabin and opened it, only to see Ossian making a snow angel in the snow.
The howling wind wasn’t as fierce as I thought it would be -- the snow wasn’t rushing down in desperation. It was content and gentle, with the trees happily dancing along with the little breeze. I couldn’t help but smile.
Ossian’s face lit up when he saw me and he sat up. “Hey! Nothing bad out here at all!”
I nodded immediately, an even bigger smile forcing its way onto my face at seeing the adorably excited state he was in. He stood up from the snow, came over and took my hand.
“Told you,” he said gently. “Nothing to fear but frostbite.”
“I know,” I admitted, with a sigh. “I knew there was nothing dangerous, I just--” I paused, trying to formulate my thoughts as accurately as possible. “I keep seeing… that night.” Another pause. “Wh-whenever I try to imagine us… going out… I keep remembering wh-what happened, and I…” I shivered. “I’m afraid.”
“Of being hurt?”
“Of you getting hurt.”
Ossian pulled me into a hug. It was a rather cold hug with all the remaining snow on his clothes, but nevertheless inviting and warm. I reciprocated, the two of us just standing in a hug for the longest time.
“I’m sorry,” Ossian said softly. “I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“I wanna be okay,” I responded. “I just… I think it might be longer than we expected before I can be.”
“And that’s completely okay,” Ossian promised. “We can hang out inside. Maybe… watch a movie? Are you in the mood for comedy?”
I laughed and planted a kiss on his cheek. “I would love to. But first… snowball fight?”
Ossian’s face fell. “A-are you sure?”
“Yes,” I answered with a grin. “I will definitely beat you.”
He cupped my face and kissed me. “Just know that any time you wanna go back inside and just watch a movie, we’ll do just that.”
“I know,” I answered with a smile.
Perhaps my life was a little… different now, ever since everything. But right now, with the soft snow on the ground, and heaven’s light on the hair of my beloved… I simply couldn’t resist the offer to stay out here. And… practice makes perfect, right?
And therapy. That should probably be on the table for me too.
But right now, I had to defeat my boyfriend in a snowball fight. Which was the most important thing. Obviously.